I’ve recently been undergoing a series of medical tests to discover the exact nature of an “abnormality” found a couple weeks ago during a routine MRI for back pain. Ordered by my oncologist, I’ve since had a bone scan, a bone biopsy, a CT scan, and blood work. I’m still to have another full-body MRI.
Caleb and I met with my oncologist yesterday to learn the outcome of all these tests.
It turns out the Triple Negative Breast Cancer I was diagnosed with and treated for in 2013-14 never really left. The regular blood tests I’ve been getting, also known as “tumor markers,” were insufficient in detecting the cancer that seems to have exploded throughout my body. And so, up until this MRI, I and my oncologist were under the impression that I was fine. Cancer was completely gone.
But we were wrong. The abnormality in my lower spine is the same breast cancer, metastasized. The CT scan also showed small bits of it in my lungs. The full-body MRI is to see if it has reached my brain (in which case we are dealing with yet another complication in treatment). We are quite hopeful that it has not. We are already dealing with stage 4 breast cancer.
What happens now? First: I get the full-body MRI. Second: I start radiation on the tumor on my spine and the “sand” in my lungs. This will last 2-3 weeks, depending on what the radiologists determine necessary. (On the up side, this should help with my back pain!) Third: I begin chemotherapy. Again.
Breast Cancer that has metastasized is not curable. It is only treatable. I will, therefore, be on chemo for the rest of my life. There will be times I can take breaks. If the chemo is doing its’ job, tumors should shrink enough for breaks in treatment. But my understanding is that I will never be considered “cured.”
I do not know, nor do I want to know, how long I can live like this. I’m very emotional right now, and I don’t want to spend time here externally processing all the ramifications of this diagnosis. I will do that in future posts. But through all of my emotions, I am clinging to the belief that I serve a big God, a kind God, a loving God, The Great Physician, a God with a good plan. I may not understand it, even a little. But I trust it. I trust that He has me, Caleb, Josephine, Eleanor and Eowyn in His mighty hand.
How can you pray? Pray for peace. In my heart. The hearts of each one in my family. Pray for strength, both physical and emotional. Pray for wisdom as we help our kids navigate the upcoming plethora of doctor’s appointments and side effects. Pray for healing! I would love to confound doctors with my miraculous healing.
And please don’t be afraid to approach us with questions, kind words, encouragement. We might break down in front of you, and I’m sorry about that. But your prayers and your words mean the world to us right now.
I will update this blog as often as I can. I have a lot to process, and tend to do that best in writing. So check back occasionally if you’re interested in updates. And thank you, in advance, for your love and prayers for me and my family.
I am sorry, Heidi. Pure and simple, and heartfelt.
Friends of the Watts here. Just wanted you to know we are praying for you, your hubbie and your wee ones. Praying for healing and for peace. Also praying God will enable you to lead those little ones through this journey of faith in such a way that He increases and solidifies their faith. We will certainly be praying here in Wilson PCA in NC.
Just wanted to say that I am so sorry that you and your family are going through this experience. I will be keeping you and your family in my heart, with hopes for the most peaceful and pain-free journey.
Heidi, so many (including my dear husband) have shared good words of encouragement. I feel like I have nothing new to say, but I guess sometimes repeating things is good for us humans… I know that, every day, I need to hear again about the grace of God, His power, His goodness, His forgiveness, His love. I just want you to know that my heart hurts for you. We are fervently praying for you. I just sent out an email so our entire church will be joining us. Multitudes of people, some dear to you, some complete strangers, are interceding for your peace, your healing, your family.
I am so sorry Heidi.
Heidi,
As I have largely abandoned Facebook I just now heard the news through a family member and visited your page. Thank you for posting. You are so brave. You have a big God. The following statement written by our forefathers in the Faith has always been special to me because it wraps up what we believe so succinctly:
Q1. What is your only comfort in life and in death?
A. That I am not my own, but belong—body and soul, in life and in death—to my faithful Savior, Jesus Christ.
He has fully paid for all my sins with his precious blood, and has set me free from the tyranny of the devil. He also watches over me in such a way that not a hair can fall from my head without the will of my Father in heaven; in fact, all things must work together for my salvation.
Because I belong to him, Christ, by his Holy Spirit, assures me of eternal life and makes me wholeheartedly willing and ready from now on to live for him. (Heidelberg Catechism, 1563)
We are praying for you and your lovely family. Love you dear friend!
Dear Heidi,
My heart broke when I read your post. You’ve been through so much. We’ve been through so much. My prayer is for healing at every level for both of us..that God continue to anchor us in the depth of His fierce love. Grateful for you, fellow Joy Warrior!
I want to say I will be in prayer for you! We are going thru similar circumstances. My husband has metstatized renal cancer. He has took an oral chemo drug for 16 months and now it’s not doing its job so they have started a new drug. We don’t know yet how well it will do until scans in Sept. or Oct. There is no cure except God’s cure and He can heal the body and give us all peace too! I wish you the best!
I saw your blog post linked to a prayer request by my friend, Robert N, on Facebook. I, too, am a cancer survivor, and also a woman of faith. Know that there will be many people, some you don’t even know, lifting you up in prayer. Praying for strength, peace, and healing. Remember that you’re never alone, and although we don’t always understand why these things happen, one day we will. God bless you! Psalms 46:1 – God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.
Heidi, I don’t think we’ve met, but my husband, Todd, went to a small group with your husband a while back and I have been praying along with you since your first diagnosis. My prayers continue for you and your family. May God’s peace overwhelm your fear and uncertainty, and may He be a sanctuary for you as you process this new reality. God Bless.
Dearest Cousin this news is quite troublesome to us, but we are encouraged by your courage, your adherence to God’ promises, and the faith you continue to display that God is righteous, good, and trustworthy. We will be praying regularly for you, Caleb, and family. I will also pray specifically that the most cutting edge treatments may be made ready and that they will be effective against this stubborn disease. Please do not hesitate to ask if there are things we can do to help or comfort you and your family at this time.
Love, Kenny, Devin, Coco and Teddy
Heidi, I’m so sorry that you’ve received this news. It’s… so much!! Praying that the Lord will strengthen your hands and those supporting you as you begin treatment — that His joy would be your strength — and that you will continue to find refuge in God as your strong tower. And, yes! For miraculous healing!
Heidi,
Sarah and I are praying for you and your family. Bob and Pam will keep us updated but please know that you are always in our thoughts.
Love and hugs, Diana
Hi Heidi, I just saw your post and will be praying for you and your family. I went to Biola with Caleb for one year and saw his post on facebook. My husband has been on a cancer journey so I will be praying fervently.
I am so saddened to hear the return of this horrible disease. We (Theresa and I) are so sorry that you and your family will have to endure this great hardship. We are praying as you said for healing. Period. If He wills, healing!! In Jesus name.
In crazy moments the Lord always reminds me of 2 Corinthians 4: 7-18.
With Love,
The Robertson’s
Heidi, I’m so sorry. I’ve been following your progress on Facebook and this blog, and I’ve marveled at your strength. I’m thinking of you, your adorable family, and the Hammers. All my best, Catherine
I confess when Darcy told me the news I just wanted to hit something. But I also have been seeing my view and my awareness of God expanding in the last few weeks. So we’ll pray for you all, for healing and all of it. We love you guys.
You and your beautiful family are in our prayers. I have seen good do Miracle and I have seen cancer hurt alot of my family, but they live to tell there story. You will get through this with the love, grace healing hands of god. Prayers lifted Good Bless and big HUGS
Hi Heidi,
I’ve been following your story and progress from afar, via Facebook and updates from Gretchen. I will be praying for you and your family often as you go through this difficult time. I agree with what you said about the Lord, and am thankful that we both serve Him and know that He hears our prayers.
Love you!
Heidi
Precious Heidi,
My heart hurts as I read every carefully composed word. I want you to know that I am praying for that miracle, and for hope, unmistakable strength, and a lifting of the heaviness that can overcome you… And joy in the midst. Your perspective of our good God makes me pause today and reflect on Him. I will return to your blog for updates and will be on your support team in prayer. Love to you, Joy
Psalm 61
1Hear my cry, O God;
listen to my prayer.
2From the ends of the earth I call to you,
I call as my heart grows faint;
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
3For you have been my refuge,
a strong tower against (cancer) the foe.
4I long to dwell in your tent forever
and take refuge in the shelter of your wings.
5For you, God, have heard my vows;
you have given me the heritage of those who fear your name (Dad and Mom Hammer, Grandpa Verl and Grandma Lois and so many others)
6Increase the days of (my life) the king’s life,
his years for many generations (so I can watch my children and their children live to serve You)
7May he be enthroned in God’s presence forever;
appoint your love and faithfulness to protect him.
8Then I will ever sing in praise of your name
and fulfill my vows day after day. (All glory and honor will be YOURS, Lord Jesus)
*parenthesis added
Heidi, sweet and lovely woman/wife/mom/daughter/sister/cousin/friend……
You are loved, prayed for, and lifted up to the comforting arms of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Thank you for sharing this heavy burden and allowing us the privilege to help carry it.