So it turns out the only thing more exhausting than cancer treatment is recovering from that cancer treatment. I finished chemo at the end of March, had my last surgery at the beginning of May, stopped wearing scarves on my head in early June, and celebrated the end of cancer with friends and family at the beginning of August. I am done with cancer!
But it turns out cancer isn’t entirely done with me. I had a pretty good summer. I enjoyed my new short hair and freedom from so many doctor’s appointments. But I think I was operating on a certain adrenaline caused by “being done.” I started to crash around the end of July. I noticed myself more emotional than usual, snapping more at my kids and husband, stressed out over little stuff, super sleepy. I asked my doctor about it. He said it’s normal. Totally normal. It’s a lot like PTSD actually.
After spending so much time and energy in a fighting stance, using all my strength to stay positive, getting better, going through treatments while managing kids and a household, keeping the emotional trauma in check so as not to freak out my family … I finally crashed. I didn’t have to fight any more, which means I relaxed, which means I finally had the breathing space to realize what just happened. And it was a really big deal.
I had cancer, folks. Cancer kills. It didn’t kill me, but it could have. If I hadn’t treated it. But I did. So I’m alive! But, in the process I lost my breasts. I lost my hair. I don’t remember most of Wynnie’s babyhood. I still have numbness and occasional pain. The flashbacks are more prominent (the day I was diagnosed, the day I cut my hair, waking up from the mastectomy … those kinds of memories hit me throughout the day, every day).
So what does all this look like? Weariness. In my bones. I fall asleep every time I sit down. I’m kind of emotionally numb. I don’t snap at my kids so much. I also don’t have much enthusiasm for anything. I skip lunch because it’s too much work. Then I snack on junk in the afternoon because I’m hungry. Dinner consists mostly of frozen meals that only take 10 minutes to put together. I have just enough energy each day to get the kids to and from school, and manage the essentials of housekeeping. Feed the family. Make coffee. Do the dishes. Laundry only gets done when everyone is actually out of underwear. There’s enough dog hair in the carpet to make a new dog … but vacuuming is too far down the list to make any difference there. But I’m rambling …
Mostly I’m explaining all this because I feel a bit guilty. I don’t return phone calls. It can take me days before I even have enough energy to listen to your voice mail! I’m not engaging in much socially. I’m not volunteering for anything. I’m very unreliable right now. I’ve been mentally asleep during church and Bible study lectures. (Hey, at least I’m there!) I just barely have what it takes to do each day, to love on my kids and husband, to get enough rest. I’m not even crafting!! Well, I’m working on some knitting, but that can be done in front of the TV, and it’s relaxing.
So I’m sorry if it seems I’ve retreated a little from life. The doctor assures me it will get better. There’s just no telling when. If you think of praying for me, pray that I can find rest with three kids underfoot, who tend not to nap at the same time these days. Pray that the Lord would fill me with enough strength to get through each day.
And don’t worry about me too much. I haven’t run away yet. The kids aren’t starving. Nobody seems to mind the messy house too much. And Trader Joe’s has some great frozen meals. I’m learning more about rest. I’m actually spending more time on the couch just sitting and cuddling with my kids and husband. I’ve discovered that the to-do list isn’t the most important thing in my world, that it can actually be ignored altogether without disaster! See, there is some good coming from all this weariness.
And one day, I’ll be back. See you soon!
P.S. This is my new blog, which I started during the summer when I had more energy. I intended to officially launch in October … but now it looks like it’ll be next summer before I can keep this up regularly. Oh well! And stay tuned …
Heidi… Thanks for the real honest glimpse into your heart, your home, your journey… I’d read from mark 6 today. Where Jesus tells the super weary emptied out disciples “come away with me to a desolate place and find rest.” I’d looked up the verse cause it sounded like maybe it’d be surrounded by some really refreshing story where they all really connect deeply with Jesus. The irony is that when they get there there’s all these things that need to be done and Jesus tells them to find food for all these hundreds of hungry people and I was reading it thinking how stinking ironic it is he took them there promising this would be where they find rest. And then they get caught in a storm. And then they think they see a ghost. But it’s really Jesus. (Like he didn’t know that would scare the living daylights out of these poor, tired, worn down disciples). Still somehow he offers this while journey as a way that they are going to connect with him. This scary overwhelming out if control journey … I guess what I’m trying to say is in the midst of the craziness I see so much beauty that god is doing in and through you. Even if it’s frozen dinners instead of fish and loaves being multiplied. I am praying rest for you and for the chaos to pass. And for energy. And that you’d continue (as you are and have done each step of the way) to reflect Jesus brightly and boldly. I’m proud of you!