So, one day I’m fine, skipping along as well as I can with my bad back and sciatic pain, laughing and giggling with my children, eating ice cream on hot days, holding hands with my husband, having a lovely carefree summer, an amazing Colorado vacation, assuming all is well and right with the world. It doesn’t occur to me in my wildest dreams that my sciatic pain is indicative of anything even remotely serious.
Then the MRI. I got the MRI so I could get epidural injections in my back to relieve my sciatic pain. But it showed an “abnormality” in my spine, in the same spot causing much of my back pain. Thus began the series of tests and scans that would eventually reveal a most unwanted and unexpected diagnosis. Cancer. Metastasized. Treatable. Not Curable. In a single moment our lives are changed forever. Drastically.
What now? We cry. We sob. We act as normal as possible around the kids until they’re in bed, and then we sob some more. And we wonder how we’re ever going to move forward. How do we stop crying and just go to bed and sleep? How do we stop crying and give Josephine a normal first day of school?
How do we stop crying?!
At a complete and utter loss, I turned to a friend. I asked her outright “How do we move on? We don’t know how to move forward, even a little.” And because she is wise, she begins to speak Scripture to me.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, make your requests known to God. And the PEACE of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus.” Phil. 4:6-7
“Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.” Psalm 55:22
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18
And a reminder from Friend herself – “The point is, when you choose Jesus first above all else, this is the kind of joy you can experience. Eternal joy – joy that satisfies the tiniest moment and stretches through all eternity.”
We began to calm down as we read and claimed these Scriptures together. We were able to brush our teeth, wash our faces, change into pj’s, climb into bed, pray, and then sleep. We actually both slept well on Tuesday night. Amazing. Miraculous, even.
Once I made my announcement on Wednesday morning, we began to be inundated with notes of support, prayers, encouragement, Scripture. And when I say “inundated,” I mean INUNDATED. And I want you to know I read every comment on Facebook, every email, every text message, listened to every phone message.
And while I sat somewhat paralyzed, immobilized by shock, fear, anxiety, and all those other things that come at a time like this, my burden was being carried by so much family, so many friends! I have begun to understand God’s peace that surpasses understanding. It is impossible to quantify. What an amazing gift! Peace in a time of great crisis. Only God can do that.
Only God.
He is the answer to every question we have asked and will ask during this process. Many of you have expressed your sincerest sympathies, and we are blessed by you. But I want you to understand something. I still believe that God is good. He is perfectly good. This diagnosis does not change that fact. His plans for me, for Caleb, for each of our girls, are good. He has a purpose for me in this.
I am not going to pretend that I am not afraid, saddened, and still reeling. Each morning when I wake I am hit anew, and I have to fight a small battle for calm before I start my day. But I am holding on to a God who promises peace, joy, strength, wisdom, and everlasting love – in any circumstance.
“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you. He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid. Do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8
“The Lord will fight for you. You need only to be still.” Exodus 14:14
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9
Claim these verses with me. And when you pray, pray that we would have open hands to receive God’s grace and mercy, to be open to the lessons he wants us to learn, to allow Him to lead and guide, to comfort and encourage us on this journey.
Ice Cream stop in Durango, Colorado.
We get ice cream too!
Snack time!
Our last stop before getting home.
Josephine’s first day of school … a total hit!
Heidi,
You beautiful expression of your thoughts and beliefs make it easy for me to follow your journey. You relate your ideas in a way that we want to know, but are afraid to ask. Your honesty and fear and faith weave the story of your life.
I just read your post “We can’t do it alone” and those have been my exact thoughts! I started my battle with cancer just two months ago, and the prayer support has been life changing. I had never been prayed for like this before and I amazed by Gods peace that only He can give. So many of the verses you listed are the very same ones that I have been clinging to these past months, and it is wonderful to know that our God is providing the peace and strength we daily need. I know that treatment is HARD, but I am thankful that God is with us, and He can be glorified through this battle. I will keep you in my prayers. Thank you for writing this blog and sharing your testimony of faith!
Heidi, dear, you are really somethin’! I find myself glued to the words you pen… Your honesty and transparency is absolutely a gift to your readers. And, I say, thank you. We may give up on others, we may even give up on ourselves, but… we NEVER give up on our mighty and all-powerful God! Each and every one of His promises are yours to claim as His beloved daughter. Keep claiming them, Heidi! Keep claiming them! All honor and praise and glory we give Him… (the One who made you)) for what He will yet do in and through your beautiful life…
Heidi, your words made me realize our God is with us always. He is beside us carrying us through trials and tribulations. Be strong. Have faith. God will be with you and your family.
Praying for you from Naperville, Illinois. Thank you for sharing with such realness and courage.
Wow, thanks to Illinois from California! I am blessed!
Heidi, we are yet another support for you and your family. If you need anything we are here to help. Leena would love to play with your girls if you some time to do ANYTHING! Our thoughts are with you and your family!
Thank you Kristen! I’ll keep you all posted with my needs as they arise. Thank you so much for your support!
You are a brave, strong woman and it’s great that you feel all the support around you. I’m so glad you are feeling the peace that passes understanding. I am rooting for you and your family all the way on the other side of the world here in Botswana.
Thank you Sara! I’ve loved following you and your adventures overseas. So cool! I spent a few years overseas myself, right after college, and think it’s something everyone should do! I can only imagine the extra adventure it is with kids, but you seem to be managing swimmingly! Thanks for your comments and support!